Pardon Me
Apologies are due for my unannounced hiatus, as I have written nothing for Jerkburger in over two months. I apologize to my readers and supporters for the unannounced break from daily updates.
I stopped writing for a bit to do some real soul-searching. In this rumination on life, love, and loss, I’ve come to realize a few things:
- Sand cannot be substituted for salt in recipes.
- Shouting “SNIKT!” and clenching one’s fists will not cause adamantium claws to protrude from their knuckles. However, it will attract disdainful looks while waiting to check out at a grocery store.
- Philanthropy is not a religion dedicated to the teachings of Dr. Phil. I learned that one the hard way.
- Many tables will indeed flip over if one puts their palms underneath a table’s edge and pushes upward in a fit of rage.
- Most professional male athletes enjoy having sex with women that aren’t their spouses.
- Paperclips are not certified by any medical authority as a cleaner for one’s ear canal.
- Video games will waste your time, unless you view your destiny on this planet as becoming the first person to burn out their retinas playing them.
Jerkburger’s initial intent was to provide you, the reader/viewer-of-your-computer-screen, with any and all relevant notices on popular culture. The task proved to be much more daunting than it seemed to be on a figurative sheet of paper. Therefore, the site’s design and theme will be re-vamped to not only provide you, the reader/viewer-of-your-computer-screen, with better writing, information and points of interest, but it will be done to better suit my interests. And when I’m happy to be writing a topic, I guarantee you, the reader/viewer-of-your-computer-screen, will receive the highest quality content possible (that is within my ability to write…which can really be summarized as a plethora of scatological humor).
So, now onto the discussion of the switching of content. Mr. Neil Peart, a snare roll if you would please. *I reach into a trucker hat with folded sheets of paper in it* The dominant content on this site will be……*unfolds sheet* LITERARY CONTENT!!!!
Wait. Please don’t shut off your computer in disgust just yet. Let me unpack that for you. The content discussed on this site will not simply be discussion of literary works. I will discuss all relevant angles of literature possible. For example, posts will feature news on literature, such as upcoming books, events with authors, literary awards, et cetera. Jerkburger will also be geared toward writers, as the craft of writing fiction and poetry will be shared and discussed openly, not unlike other writer’s forums. So basically, any topic that is rooted in literature will be the main focus of Jerkburger. But don’t fret. Jerkburger will also serve as a medium in which I can share my fiction and instrumental beats with everyone!
Okay. I saw you roll your eyes at me, but I don’t care. How? How what? How did I see you rolling your eyes at me? Oh, I can see into your house through the webcam on your computer. Well…not technically legal…but you should probably get that mole on your inner thigh checked out. It’s looking a lot darker than it did last week.
I hope that we meet again tomorrow or sometime soon.
In closing, I leave you with a sneak peek at the new Jerkburger ad campaign that will be hitting all major cities across the U.S.*
*There is no ad campaign. But if you do see these ads, your mind’s eye is merely projecting them onto blank advertisement spaces.
Ernest Hemingway extends his praise from the grave.
Ernest Hemingway extends his praise from the grave.
Who knew?
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Gorillaz and Alan Moore Are Set To Collaborate
Gorillaz' frontman, 2-D, apparently can see the slice of pizza that I'm holding.
Did you ever wonder, “Hey, why don’t Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett of Gorillaz explore gnostic themes?” Definitely a potent question that I’ve never thought to ask, myself. Well, now they are more than likely to touch on gnostic ideas and explore some aspect of humanity that plagues us all now that Alan Moore is on board to help with Gorillaz’ new opera project. According to NME.com, Moore, writer of such brilliant graphic novels (Watchmen, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, From Hell – all of which were turned into shitty, bombastic Hollywood films), will work on the yet-to-be-titled opera’s libretto.
With Albarn having written 70 new songs for the project, it is looking to be more ambitious than Albarn and Hewlett’s 2008 release, Monkey: Journey to the West, as the new opera will appear in both film and stage upon completion. Moore seems rather excited by the project, which in turn excites me. He said “We’ve hopefully got Gorillaz on board [to appear in a forthcoming issue of Dodgem Logic].”
I'm very excited to get my hands on a copy of this, if I can.
Dodgem Logic is Alan Moore’s new underground magazine which contains artwork from Kevin O’Neill (the artist for The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) and even some writing of Graham Linehan (writer/director/creator of The IT Crowd and Father Ted) just to name a couple. The zine is said to be part entertainment, part grassroots activism/advice on all sorts of subjects from guerilla gardening to making your own clothes, living on no cash, steampunk guides to rebuilding collapsed civilization, and basically anything that comes out of the mind of the Bearded Wonder, of whom they call Alan Moore.
Moore’s daughter, Leah Moore, and her husband, John Reppion, (both top-notch comic book/script writers, themselves) announce over on their blog Moore & Reppion that the zine should be expected out sometime this month.
The Gorillaz/Moore opera collaboration is more than likely not due out until sometime next year.
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This Is One Way To Avoid Throwing Away Styrofoam
The robots from Daft Punk probably wouldn't condone the usage of Styrofoam.
With the disposal of Styrofoam being an environmental health concern, it’s always hard to determine what to do with your Styrofoam cups, materials, what have you. But, if you’re extremely self-conscious about your life affecting Earth (such as my, smugly liberal, yet good-looking, Earth-friendly self *turns to Camera 2 to reveal a casual grin and a wink*), you more than likely don’t even deal with Styrofoam products. Though, there are those cases like when you get take-out where the only thing they have to send it in is Styrofoam or when you simply just can’t finish your meal because you ordered too much damn food and all they have is Styrofoam to-go boxes. I digress.
This is certainly a dream that I've had once or twice.
So, instead of worrying about whether or not you’re going to pollute the planet with Styrofoam, simply go pick up some Sharpies and get to drawing all over those Styrofoam plates, boxes, cups, and brassieres (exclusively available in Greenland). I StumbleUpon’ed some really cool drawings on Styrofoam cups over at Acid Cow (Grammatically correct version: “stumbled upon,” but using the StumbleUpon in reference, the grammar much change, I say!). Click on the link in the post to check out the whole slew of them. Acid Cow doesn’t list the artist, otherwise I would say who they are. And since there is no artist listed in these pictures, I will simply take credit for them. Though, I won’t take credit for the cups that have the samurai drawings on them that some bro wearing Ed Hardy shirts probably has tattooed on his inner forearm.
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Someone Should Buy This Game Show Idea
I honestly wouldn't be able to tell if that's a man or woman.
While whittling away at my sad existence, my brain barfed up a possibly lucrative television idea. Mind you, this idea is a game show. Now that I’ve told you that it’s a game show, a few credibility points have been lost, but you have to hear me out. The game show would be called Dear Sir, Dear Madame. The way in which the show works is this:
Two contestants compete in head-to head exercises of gender identification. There are 3 rounds, not including the ever-important lightning round. Round 1 is a very straight-forward round. The contestants are shown a picture of a man or woman on a projector or screen and are asked to write on a sheet of paper either “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame,” after buzzing in. The pictures shown are of actual men and women across the country in which their gender is actually questionable based on their appearance. The men and the women portrayed in the photos are neither transsexual or transvestite, in order to not make it as hard of a round (though if using transsexuals or transvestites, the round probably wouldn’t be as hard for people that watch a lot of Maury Povich). The reason being for the contestant to write “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame” onto a slip of paper is because it is intended to be the beginning of a letter. The contestants will enclose their letters into an envelope and then place it inside of the mailbox next to their podium and raise the red flag on the mailbox in order to alert the host that there is indeed an answer inside. The host will come over (possibly dressed as a courier), open the letter and read it aloud. If the contestant is wrong, then the round just moves on to the next picture, and the other contestant will be able to immediately answer without buzzing in. But after that, regular buzzer rules stand. And though the contestant that buzzes in could get it wrong, there will also be bonus points given to penmanship. The host will judge how nice the handwriting is and tack some extra points on to the contestant’s score no matter if they get it right or wrong. Also, a side note, the contestants NEVER speak. Ever. Their only form of communication is them correlating non-verbally “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame.”
There will be two different kinds of round 2’s. One version of round 2 will appear on one show, while the other version will be placed in another episode. Round 2-type 1 will show contestants actual men and women in the studio, but only their silhouettes (not audience members, for that will only offend the many hard-to-identify-gendered Americans out there). The contestants will see the man or woman’s silhouette from every possible angle in order to determine their gender. The contestants will then buzz in and write in “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame,” enclose it in an envelope, put it in the mailbox and raise the flag. The same ruling and scoring that occurs in round 1 will apply to round 2-type 1. The contestant will know if they’re right or wrong after the man/woman in question steps out from behind the curtain, revealing themselves. When they are out in the open, “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame” will pop up on the screen in text under their face, prompting them to introduce themselves. For example, they would say “Hello. I’m Samantha Bigbee. I’m from Chicago, Illinois. I’m a woman.” or “Hello. I’m Bob Weathers. I’m from Tallahassee, Florida. I’m a man.”
Round 2-type 2 will entail the contestants guessing gender through a soundbite of some obscure sentence being read. For example, “The dog made a mess of the rug,” being said by either a man or woman. The voice round is a lot more challenging, because it is kind of like in that Seinfeld episode where Jerry and Elaine continually mistake this man’s voice for a woman’s voice, because he sounds a lot like a woman, but is clearly, when visible, a man. The contestants will respond in the appropriate manner, as they have done in the other rounds. The voice that read the obscure sentence aloud will then say either “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame” in order to let the contestants know if they are correct. The same ruling and scoring style that occurs in round 1 and round 2-type 1 will apply to round 2-type 2, points in both versions of round 2 will be double.
If there is a little time left over after round 2, a lightning round will occur. In the lightning round, both contestants participate at the same time. The contestants will be shown many pictures of genders in question in rapid succession. There will be no buzzing in, for in each contestant’s right hand will be a sign saying “Dear Sir” and in their left hand, the sign will say “Dear Madame.” When the picture is shown, the contestant must go with their gut reaction as to what the person looks like and throw a sign up in the air. Both contestants are allowed points simultaneously in this round. When the lightning round is through, the points will be tallied up, and whomever has the highest will then advance to the third and final round.
In the third round, the contestant will be shown three letters, with each letter possibly having been written by a man or a woman. Though, I’m not sure yet if it’s funnier to see these letters typed or actually handwritten by the person, but the letters will entail a generic list of activities or interests, or perhaps even a brief monologue. For example, one would say:
“Dear Sir/Madame,
I like airplanes. I really do. And boy, do I love to fly ‘em. Sometimes I like to eat soft-serve ice cream in a cone while I fly ‘em.”
Or something else that is just as dumb. The contestant will then respond by filling out three different letters of their own saying either “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame” and put them in three different envelopes labeled “Letter #1,” “Letter #2,” et cetera, corresponding with the correct letters. The contestant will put them in the mailbox on their podium with the flag raised. The host will gather them up from the mailbox and then reveal the names and genders of the people who wrote the letters. If the contestant gets two out of three correct, they win the grand prize. If they get all three right, they get the grand prize plus a bonus cash supplement. If they get one or none correct, their points are added up to see how well they did, and they are given a consolation prize. If the losing contestant is a woman, she gets a gender-typical man’s consolation prize, like a shaving kit from Norelco. If the losing contestant is a man he will get a gender-typical woman’s consolation prize, like free maxi-pads for a year.
All in all, I’m just not sure whether or not the show is funnier with the contestants wearing modern clothes, which would insinuate that they are confused about modern gender identities or if the contestants should wear 18th century British ballroom attire, complete with pale-white makeup, rouge and powdered wigs. The 18th century garb would insinuate that they are ACTUAL aristocracy from 18th century England, they have time traveled from the past and cannot tell the difference between the males and females on the show.
Alright, TV executives. Open up dem wallets and we can start the cash-shoveling over my way!
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Hyper-Realistic Sculptures Invade My Mind
This represents modern man as a mindless zombie that doesn't speak out against the world's wrongs. (Nailed it!)
Sam Jinks is a sculptor. What does he sculpt? Well, usually, it’s either a surrealist’s moment of clarity or the vivid, intense corners of your nightmares. Jinks has a background in film and television effects, sculpting commercially for 11 years, but for the last 5 years he’s been working on his art full time. His silicon-based sculptures make for potent visuals, creating powerful thoughts about humanity in general. Well, for me, at least.
This represents modern man being reduced to nothing more than a coat on a coat rack (I'm wayyy off).
Austrailian Edge has an interview with Sam Jinks, discussing his artistic background and his current work. The link is NSFW due to some more pictures of Jinks’ sculptures that could be viewed as graphic or offensive, but if you feel as if today is the day to give your boss his/her come-uppance, then head on over to the link and leave the picture of the naked man with a fox’s head up on the screen. Then, call your boss in and say, “You see. This guy does incredible sculptures, while YOU play Spider Solitaire and scratch your crotch.” Then you should say, “I stirred one of my turds in your cup of coffee this morning. I used a glove to hold it while I did it, in case you were wondering.” Then shout, “And this one’s for Paul in the mail room!” before you swiftly kick the computer monitor’s screen in with your foot. Say it even if there is no Paul in the mail room. Say it even if your office doesn’t have a mail room. Then you should grab all of your things (make sure all of your stuff is packed neatly into a box before completing these actions) and run out of the office shouting “YOU ESS A!” You won’t get sued for any of this. Trust me.*
*You’ll probably be sued for the turd-stirring remark and destroying that monitor.
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If Only My Spare Time Would Result In A Starting Point For A Theme-Park
"I can't wait until I have children so that they can be the first to safety test it!"
While digging through the bowels of the Internet (it’s a surprisingly greasy job), I’ve found many instances of ingenuity, but not as dedicated as this. Some guy decided that he was going to build himself a roller coaster on what appears to be a large tract of land, possibly in the middle of nowhere, in Montana (Montana: Fields, couple’uh mountains, annnnnd some prairie dogs). The coaster’s structure seems to be entirely made of wood, which would therefore make it a “rolleycoaster” in my book. Whenever I see a wooden roller coaster, for some reason, the only thing I can think of is this character that appeared in the episode “Heaven’s Chimney” on Mr. Show with Bob and David where Thrillworld comes into town and unleashes it’s newest, deadliest roller coaster “The Devastator,” in which an old man begins boarding up his house’s windows and doors in preparation for the unleashing of the coaster as if it were a hurricane. The old man is then asked why he isn’t leaving town and he says, “I ain’t afraid uh no rolleycoaster!”
The coaster seat is painted red so that the zoning inspector doesn't see blood stains.
So, yeah, you read that brief sketch synopsis and didn’t laugh. I understand. Explaining things that happened in a television show through text doesn’t really translate that all that well. Below, I’ll put the link to a video of the sketch that I’m talking about.
I’ve put a couple of pictures in the post of the dude constructing the home-made wooden roller coaster as well as the finished product. To check out the actual progression of how the coaster was made chronologically through picture documentation, go check out the blog at 1Dak. It’s pretty interesting to see the progression and then parallel it with your thoughts of “At what point throughout the progression of these pictures would I just decide to quit because I’m not a master at physics and/or architecture?” My answer would probably be around the point where I realized that I didn’t even own an open area that could actually hold the construction equipment.
At this point, the cart tilted off the track. When it hit the ground, Reginald Peterson's face was disgracefully immersed in a fresh plopped cow pie.
Annnnnnnnd, here’s that Thrillworld! sketch: Mr. Show with Bob and David – Thrillworld! Sketch
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John Lennon Is The Boy In Nowhere Boy
I guess this poster symbolizes John walking into bright stardom and all the facets of his young life are just worthless drawings. Too bad the poster makes it look like a Jared Hess movie.
Nowhere Boy – Official Trailer
The trailer for Nowhere Boy, a biopic about the teenage years of John Lennon, recently premiered at the London Film Festival. The film is based on a book by Lennon’s half-sister, Julia Baird, entitled: Imagine This: Growing Up With My Brother John Lennon. The film was shot in Liverpool and details Lennon’s early life as he is being raised by his Aunt Mimi (Kristen Scott Thomas) and his own mother, Julia (not his sister, you weird, freak-o).
In the trailer, you see some shouting (Aunt Mimi yelling at John), pouting (John trying to look cool with some coiffed hair and Buddy Holly glasses), and scouting (John meets up with Paul McCartney and they form the Quarrymen, ultimately looking for other members).
The trailer looks good, folks, but I think that if I were given a go at the script, I would have been able to completely give audiences what they want:
*Opening Credits, then lead into beginning scene at John’s Aunt Mimi’s house*
John: I’m going to form a rock group and get out of Liverpool!
Aunt Mimi: Fine! You go and try to beat all the world that’s against you!
John: Maybe I will beat all…maybe I will Beat…le…
*Later, after running out of his aunt’s house, John runs into Paul McCartney on the street*
John: Hey, I don’t know you, but do I?
Paul: Yeah. I’m Paul McCartney from the Beat…your class. *looks awkwardly around*
John: No. You’re Paul McCartney from the Beatles.
*Young John and Young Paul put on their instruments in the middle of the street while Young Ringo and Young George walk out of nowhere to join them in front of an instrument shoppe. Girls flock from all around and start shouting. At this point in the film, audience members in the theater are instructed to pick up the Guitar Hero/Rock Band instruments that are set up beside/underneath/in front of their seats and begin playing along with the notes on the movie screen to “Love Me Do.” The film then allows viewers to play through the Beatles’ career, whilst continually providing film clips from Nowhere Boy (clips from the ACTUAL script that someone wrote) as the video game version of John Lennon remembers the scenes in chronological order in an off-stage cut scene after each set played by the audience members through the Guitar Hero/Rock Band format.*
Boom. There’s your movie. Use some of what I wrote, and then use the rest of the script that is already written. I’ve given you your multi-million dollar corporate tie-in so as to sell more fake plastic instruments and video games. You can even up ticket prices to $30 if you want. Trust me. People will come. I mean, they still buy the new Guitar Hero/Rock Band games even though it’s the same damn concept every time. So where’s my my money Activision?! Huh, Harmonix?! EA?! I know one of you assholes can give me somethin’!
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Marvel Comics Partners With Panelfly To Distribute Comics on iPhone
Worst Blog Rant Ever!
Love comic books, but hate all of that tedious labor it requires to turn the pages? And don’t you wish that comic books’ pesky, easy to read print was a lot smaller and digitized? Well, Panelfly is here to help by partnering with Marvel Comics to help slowly and methodically eliminate the existence of printed copies of comics by offering an application available for download on the iPhone.
The application to download is free, but each issue will cost you $0.99 to download into the Panelfly reader. The current Marvel issues set up on Panelfly are the original Spider-Man series, X-Men, X23, Age Apocalypse and Iron Man. And if the Marvel issues aren’t enough to float your boat or find your lost remote, then Panelfly offers lots of different comic publishers like Blurred Books, Dare Comics and NBM Publishing, along with others.
I know that this should be seen as good news, because it opens the door to more comic book readers, but with practically everything that’s tangible in our world being summed up into an iPhone app, I am slowly becoming jaded on what can actually be seen as a legitimate advancement of technology when it could possibly just be a cheap ploy to merge anything and everything into the Apple universe (I say this semi-hypocritically as I type this on an Apple computer).
So call me a print purist, party pooper, prissy pussy, lame asshole, or whatever you wish. I will always enjoy a printed copy of a work. And with all of the new advances in technology merging the printed word into expensive, electronic luxury devices such as Kindle, it surprises me how many people wish to spend hundreds of extra dollars to read the same words on a digital screen that you would be able to in an inexpensive printed book. I suppose it’s just become a part of our culture to be driven to buy expensive, technological goodies in order define ourselves and give us some semblance of status in society.
So exalt me, o’ blog of mine! Take my opinion and deliver it to the masses!
Jerkburger Blog: But, no one reads me.
Me: Oh. Well…At least I have the smug, self-satisfaction of expressing my ideas!
Jerkburger Blog: But crazy, homeless men on street corners can express ideas.
Me: Yes, but I can put my ideas on the Internet!
Jerkburger Blog: What makes the concept different other than the medium of expression?
Me: Well…the Internet let’s ANYONE share their…yeah, you’re right.
Jerkburger Blog: 1 Jerkburger Blog Writer: 0
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Avatar: The Last Cameron Bender
Finally...the true story of the mythical being that created the Papyrus font.
When news came out that James Cameron was working on a movie called Avatar, I was excited to hear the news, but I didn’t actually do any research into what the film was going to be about. I merely saw the title “Avatar” and assumed that it was going to be based on Avatar: The Last Air Bender. Boy, was I wrong. Because instead of James Cameron directing The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan is directing instead. Shyamalan made The Happening. And that was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. When I went to the theaters to see The Happening, I was taking it seriously as any legitimate fan of M. Night Shyamalan movies would do (I say this, because I had decided to completely forget about Lady in the Water and let bygones be bygones). At the beginning of the movie, two dick-rippers sitting in front of me and my girlfriend were talking and pulling out their cell phones and actually answering them. I leaned forward and told them in a rather frustrated manner to be quiet (I.E. “Shut the fuck up. I’m watching this movie.”). As the movie progressed into the dud that it was and John Leguizamo’s teeth became more stained in each shot, I actually leaned forward to apologize to the two people at the halfway point and told them to please talk amongst themselves. Anyhow, I digress. This will be shitty of me to say, but Shyamalan’s made two horrid movies in a row, so those facts are not helping me look forward to the film adaptation of The Last Airbender. My friend Owen said, “C’mon, man. The man made two shit-stomp movies in a row. But remember Unbreakable? Wow.” Thus, I agreed. Shyamalan could possibly pull out of the funk that he’s put himself into.
But what I’m really trying to say here is that the trailer for the new Avatar movie by James Cameron took me completely by surprise. With airbending completely pushed to the back of my mind, the trailer actually blew my mind a little bit. The special effects are over-the-top (in a good way) and the movie looks vibrant and lushly colored. My friend Owen’s comments on the trailer, “Man, I wouldn’t want to be purple or blue at all.” Well said. See what he means in the trailer:
I mean, I understand listing Terminator, Aliens and Titanic after “From the man who brought you,” but True Lies? That chucklefest of a film?
Also, is it pathetic that during most of the trailer I constantly thought of how to construct a video game based on the characters and machines in the movie with the structure á la Starcraft or Command & Conquer? The answer is a resounding “Yes.”
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50 Cent Makes a Movie, I Laugh
Fiddy Bravely Chronicles His Battle With Leprosy On His New Album Cover
I never thought I’d say this, but 50 Cent should start rapping more often. Dude’s got a new album AND movie coming out, with both titled Before I Self Destruct. I say he should start rapping more, because the movie he’s putting out looks like he shot it over the course of one weekend in Baltimore. I also say it because he still needs to get better at being an MC. A lot of the time I just wonder whether or not a drunk homeless man stumbled into the studio and slurred some words into the microphone, making it hard to discern which vocal track was actually 50’s or the homeless man’s.
But, yeah. You’re right. This IS kind of like the time he did this before by putting out Get Rich or Die Trying as an album and movie. But here’s the twist, film fans…this time, Fiddy not only acts in the damn thing, but he DIRECTED it, too! Now you can receive the full scope of Fiddy’s vision of what it’s like to be a man that is subject to spontaneous combustion.
With Fiddy putting out vitamin water that contains high fructose corn syrup, body spray that probably smells like a dude’s taint, a clothing line like every other rapper alive, and rapping on mediocre albums while also starring in sub-par films, Mr. Cent can now add a page break to his resumé in order to fit in, “Turd-Like Director” onto the next sheet.
Before I Self Destruct – Official Movie Trailer on YouTube
