Giving You All the Vitamins Needed to Slay an Entire Undead Skeleton Army!

…FOUR NEW FLAVORS!!!

After seeing it from SCI FI Wire, I thought it was pretty cool, so I couldn’t go without re-posting.

But apparently, yesterday was Bruce Campbell‘s birthday. This is relevant to me because my teenage years were chock-full of Bruce Campbell’s films and TV shows. Strangely enough, most people still know him as Ash from the Evil Dead trilogy, but the man has done a great deal of film and television work, most recently playing Sam on USA’s Burn Notice. (Dude’s even written two books, which are both hilarious!). So you’ve probably at least seen him or heard his voice in something else, not paying any mind to the fact that there’s an exceptional seasoned vet on the screen (He’s been acting since the seventies!).

And as a little birthday treat, some people over at SCI FI Wire cooked up a few well done faux-Campbell’s soup can labels, tailoring them to fit the non-existent Bruce Campbell’s Soup Company’s needs:

Cream of Darkness Soup and Bisque o' County Jr. Soup

Autolycus Cheese Soup and Gumbo Ho-Tep Soup

Head over to the link to SCI-FI Wire posted above to print out the full-sized versions so that you can slap ‘em on some soup cans and pretend to live in an alternate reality where Bruce Campbell’s acting career didn’t pan out, leaving him to try his hand at opening up a soup company. And let’s not forget a happy bangin’ boomstick-belated birthday to you, Bruce!

Any suggestions for additional flavors that the Bruce Campbell’s Soup Company could use? I got nothin’. I guess I’m just not punny enough.

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"Are You Absolutely, Positively and Wholeheartedly Ready to Publish Your Novel?" Poster by Anna Hurley

Finished that novel you’ve been working on for the past seventeen years? I know I haven’t.

But since you think you have finished yours, designer, Anna Hurley, wants to make sure that it’s completely finished and fit for print.

Hurley created the poster for 826 National, the non-profit, multi-city publishing and tutoring organization spawned from Dave Eggers’ 826 Valencia in San Francisco and all proceeds go directly to the organization. The poster is printed on thick card stock that’s 15 x 30 inches, so it’s certainly eye-catching, giving you something to gaze upon for inspiration as you stumble through sentences in the middle of the night, trying to decide how to gracefully display the scene involving the mauling of a 67-year-old grandmother by an escaped African lion at the zoo, yet keep the scene’s violent integrity intact.

The advice offered on the poster ranges from the basics (making sure your novel has a protagonist, setting, dialogue, etc.) to a cut-out of a spinning wheel in which you can randomly choose your novel’s title if you’re having a creative block. Everything offered on the poster is in good, silly fun in the form of checklists and mini-quizzes designed to make sure your novel is prepped for the public and vampire/wizard-centric. And if there’s anything that warrants its purchase, it’s that you’d be buying it for a great cause.

Frankly, after going over the poster, I’ve realized that my novel is certainly not ready. For one, there are not any dinosaurs in the plot at all. But, it has inspired me to make ALL of the main characters dinosaurs! Yeah!
*CREATIVE SPIRIT INITIATING*
Instead of the lowly-cubicle working banker that’s on the brink of suicide, it should be…the lowly-cubicle working VELOCIRAPTOR banker that’s on the brink of suicide. Oh, shit! I’m on to something here!

Later, after months of writing…

…And then the universe’s most powerful warlock grants the now-immortal Fireblade-wielding knight passage into the Realm of the Sacred! And I shall call it, Demon Dreamer: Scharthe’s Wrath!

Wow. I don’t even know how I’m typing this, because after I finished that thing, my head exploded from the sheer intensity of it’s awe-inspiring prose.

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I honestly wouldn't be able to tell if that's a man or woman.

While whittling away at my sad existence, my brain barfed up a possibly lucrative television idea. Mind you, this idea is a game show. Now that I’ve told you that it’s a game show, a few credibility points have been lost, but you have to hear me out. The game show would be called Dear Sir, Dear Madame. The way in which the show works is this:

Two contestants compete in head-to head exercises of gender identification. There are 3 rounds, not including the ever-important lightning round. Round 1 is a very straight-forward round. The contestants are shown a picture of a man or woman on a projector or screen and are asked to write on a sheet of paper either “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame,” after buzzing in. The pictures shown are of actual men and women across the country in which their gender is actually questionable based on their appearance. The men and the women portrayed in the photos are neither transsexual or transvestite, in order to not make it as hard of a round (though if using transsexuals or transvestites, the round probably wouldn’t be as hard for people that watch a lot of Maury Povich). The reason being for the contestant to write “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame” onto a slip of paper is because it is intended to be the beginning of a letter. The contestants will enclose their letters into an envelope and then place it inside of the mailbox next to their podium and raise the red flag on the mailbox in order to alert the host that there is indeed an answer inside. The host will come over (possibly dressed as a courier), open the letter and read it aloud. If the contestant is wrong, then the round just moves on to the next picture, and the other contestant will be able to immediately answer without buzzing in. But after that, regular buzzer rules stand. And though the contestant that buzzes in could get it wrong, there will also be bonus points given to penmanship. The host will judge how nice the handwriting is and tack some extra points on to the contestant’s score no matter if they get it right or wrong. Also, a side note, the contestants NEVER speak. Ever. Their only form of communication is them correlating non-verbally “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame.”

There will be two different kinds of round 2′s. One version of round 2 will appear on one show, while the other version will be placed in another episode. Round 2-type 1 will show contestants actual men and women in the studio, but only their silhouettes (not audience members, for that will only offend the many hard-to-identify-gendered Americans out there). The contestants will see the man or woman’s silhouette from every possible angle in order to determine their gender. The contestants will then buzz in and write in “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame,” enclose it in an envelope, put it in the mailbox and raise the flag. The same ruling and scoring that occurs in round 1 will apply to round 2-type 1. The contestant will know if they’re right or wrong after the man/woman in question steps out from behind the curtain, revealing themselves. When they are out in the open, “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame” will pop up on the screen in text under their face, prompting them to introduce themselves. For example, they would say “Hello. I’m Samantha Bigbee. I’m from Chicago, Illinois. I’m a woman.” or “Hello. I’m Bob Weathers. I’m from Tallahassee, Florida. I’m a man.”

Round 2-type 2 will entail the contestants guessing gender through a soundbite of some obscure sentence being read. For example, “The dog made a mess of the rug,” being said by either a man or woman. The voice round is a lot more challenging, because it is kind of like in that Seinfeld episode where Jerry and Elaine continually mistake this man’s voice for a woman’s voice, because he sounds a lot like a woman, but is clearly, when visible, a man. The contestants will respond in the appropriate manner, as they have done in the other rounds. The voice that read the obscure sentence aloud will then say either “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame” in order to let the contestants know if they are correct. The same ruling and scoring style that occurs in round 1 and round 2-type 1 will apply to round 2-type 2, points in both versions of round 2 will be double.

If there is a little time left over after round 2, a lightning round will occur. In the lightning round, both contestants participate at the same time. The contestants will be shown many pictures of genders in question in rapid succession. There will be no buzzing in, for in each contestant’s right hand will be a sign saying “Dear Sir” and in their left hand, the sign will say “Dear Madame.” When the picture is shown, the contestant must go with their gut reaction as to what the person looks like and throw a sign up in the air. Both contestants are allowed points simultaneously in this round. When the lightning round is through, the points will be tallied up, and whomever has the highest will then advance to the third and final round.

In the third round, the contestant will be shown three letters, with each letter possibly having been written by a man or a woman. Though, I’m not sure yet if it’s funnier to see these letters typed or actually handwritten by the person, but the letters will entail a generic list of activities or interests, or perhaps even a brief monologue. For example, one would say:

“Dear Sir/Madame,

I like airplanes. I really do. And boy, do I love to fly ‘em. Sometimes I like to eat soft-serve ice cream in a cone while I fly ‘em.”

Or something else that is just as dumb. The contestant will then respond by filling out three different letters of their own saying either “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame” and put them in three different envelopes labeled “Letter #1,” “Letter #2,” et cetera, corresponding with the correct letters. The contestant will put them in the mailbox on their podium with the flag raised. The host will gather them up from the mailbox and then reveal the names and genders of the people who wrote the letters. If the contestant gets two out of three correct, they win the grand prize. If they get all three right, they get the grand prize plus a bonus cash supplement. If they get one or none correct, their points are added up to see how well they did, and they are given a consolation prize. If the losing contestant is a woman, she gets a gender-typical man’s consolation prize, like a shaving kit from Norelco. If the losing contestant is a man he will get a gender-typical woman’s consolation prize, like free maxi-pads for a year.

All in all, I’m just not sure whether or not the show is funnier with the contestants wearing modern clothes, which would insinuate that they are confused about modern gender identities or if the contestants should wear 18th century British ballroom attire, complete with pale-white makeup, rouge and powdered wigs. The 18th century garb would insinuate that they are ACTUAL aristocracy from 18th century England, they have time traveled from the past and cannot tell the difference between the males and females on the show.

Alright, TV executives. Open up dem wallets and we can start the cash-shoveling over my way!

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If only this were a planetary sphere in Super Mario Galaxy...

When faced with the critical decision of whether to see some moving pictures about couples retreating together or Chris Rock talking about hair follicles, I decided that good ‘ol gory zombie glory from the previous weekend would solve the dilemma. Zombieland hit the spot juhhhhhhhhst right.

It’s interesting to note that this new sub-genre of zombie-comedy is starting to get popular for some reason. I mean, Shaun of the Dead was great in its own right, but after that, I thought it would be…about it. Right? Wrong. It seems as if we’ve entered this kind of “Zombie Renaissance” with popular culture being infested with zombies. From comic books (Image’s The Walking Dead), to literature (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, The Zombie Survival Guide), and video games (Left 4 Dead, Dead Rising) it seems as if we’ve already been introduced to the apocalypse. The apex of the apocalypse being over-saturation in the market of anything that’s remotely popular at the moment. (Though, in saying these things, I realize the banner at the top of my page depicts me and three friends preparing to slay zombies. HYPOCRITE!)

With the idea of over-marketing in mind, I was actually thinking that Zombieland might actually be one of the reasons for the zombie popularity in modern American society to plummet. Of course, the film industry didn’t steer me wrong with that idea, in the fact that the trailers chosen to precede Zombieland were of course apocalyptic action-blasters. Those action-out-the-asshole trailers about the end of the world being Legion and 2012. Legion looks as if it was the brain-child of a studio executive board meeting that just ended with, “What if…humans…had to fight angels…?” So, what I’m trying to say is that it looks like it is quite possibly a movie with a script that was shat out in two or so days. 2012 really just wants to pass itself off as an epic vision of what may come, but what translated on the screen for me is, “Check out all this shit that’s breakin’ n’ fallin’!”

Anyhow, with my negativity in place and my cynical side intact, the movie exceeded expectations. It was funny. It was gory. It was what a comedy-horror mash-up was supposed to be. The film didn’t take itself too seriously as it was definitely self-aware. The idea is silly, so it’s good that the film’s final product was so as well. The special effects were great. No gore was spared as every blood-spewing, gut-ripping visual that’s expected with zombies stayed intact. The film also was scary, providing a lot of tension and “jumpy-moments” (my girlfriend can at least attest to that, for in just about every scene when the swelling music would occur and a zombie burst out, she would be clutching my hand/arm/leg extremely tightly to the point that the blood flow could have possibly burst through my skin).

Also, the film worked because it is evenly paced and short. There was little to no dragging in between scenes as each part did what they were set out to do, which was to either provide a few hearty chuckles, help you relate more to the characters or give you a dose of explosive gore. The reason for the movie continually moving forward is the use of the “road trip” structure, in which each character has a destination in mind, and they all are on the fast track to getting there. The soundtrack kicked a lot of ass, as well. The opening credits featured Metallica’s “For Whom the Bell Tolls” set to a montage of zombies mutilating or being mutilated in slow motion. It was quite well done. There also is a hilarious (I don’t use the word lightly) cameo appearance prompted by Woody Harrelson’s character, Tallahassee, as they go through Beverly Hills and he says that they’re “Heading straight to the top of the A list!” It’s just too damn funny to ruin.

Speaking of Woody Harrelson, he does a great job as Tallahassee. I thought it strange that a movie such as this would actually play to his strengths, but it definitely does. It made me want to go back and watch other Woody Harrelson films and appreciate him in the roles. For Jesse Eisenberg, being a different physical embodiment of Michael Cera pays off, as he puts the leading anchor down quite well. Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin as the survival sisters also make their mark in the film as they head west to Pacific Playland to grant Breslin’s character’s wish to be alone at the amusement park with her sister.

The film’s mere existence adds yet another layer to the zombie craze happening throughout popular culture, but that’s okay. I realized that sometimes just falling in line with the crowd of zombified droves headed for the multiplex isn’t always all that bad.

Zombieland was released October 2nd, 2009 by Columbia Pictures.

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Yes, life can be summed up as a digitized void of shiny fecal matter.

…I watch The IT Crowd! If you haven’t heard/seen Graham Linehan’s The IT Crowd, then I sincerely suggest you swallow its hilarity through your brain-mouth immediately. If you have heard/seen it, then yes, I know, I am behind on a lot of the current trends of life and deserve to have my head snugged into a vice and my body strapped to a chair, being forced to constantly watch almost every relevant creation in the visual medium possible á la A Clockwork Orange. The show is surreal British humo(u)r at its finest. The show’s main characters, Roy (Chris O’Dowd), Moss (Richard Ayoade) and Jen (Katherine Parkinson), are workers in the IT department for Reynholm Industries. Roy and Moss are the “geeks,” so to speak, and Jen is their “relationship manager” that knows nothing about computers. Explaining why the show is funny is hard to do, seeing as how many of the episodes are chock-full of ludicrous situations that simply must be viewed in order to be appreciated.

Through this weekend off, I would find myself intermittently watching episodes each day, ultimately watching all of the episodes available. There are only 18 episodes to be watched. With the show coming from across the pond, I don’t really know how their blocks of TV scheduling goes, but for The IT Crowd, each season only contains eight episodes. So, with the numbers that I have just given you from this paragraph, I will leave it up to you to determine how many seasons The IT Crowd has put forth. If you get it wrong, I will piss myself in sadness. Knee-jerk urination is the only way my body deals with disappointment.

So, just watch the British version and don’t think about the Americanized version that was canned so long ago. *shudders*

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