Someone Should Buy This Game Show Idea
I honestly wouldn't be able to tell if that's a man or woman.
While whittling away at my sad existence, my brain barfed up a possibly lucrative television idea. Mind you, this idea is a game show. Now that I’ve told you that it’s a game show, a few credibility points have been lost, but you have to hear me out. The game show would be called Dear Sir, Dear Madame. The way in which the show works is this:
Two contestants compete in head-to head exercises of gender identification. There are 3 rounds, not including the ever-important lightning round. Round 1 is a very straight-forward round. The contestants are shown a picture of a man or woman on a projector or screen and are asked to write on a sheet of paper either “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame,” after buzzing in. The pictures shown are of actual men and women across the country in which their gender is actually questionable based on their appearance. The men and the women portrayed in the photos are neither transsexual or transvestite, in order to not make it as hard of a round (though if using transsexuals or transvestites, the round probably wouldn’t be as hard for people that watch a lot of Maury Povich). The reason being for the contestant to write “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame” onto a slip of paper is because it is intended to be the beginning of a letter. The contestants will enclose their letters into an envelope and then place it inside of the mailbox next to their podium and raise the red flag on the mailbox in order to alert the host that there is indeed an answer inside. The host will come over (possibly dressed as a courier), open the letter and read it aloud. If the contestant is wrong, then the round just moves on to the next picture, and the other contestant will be able to immediately answer without buzzing in. But after that, regular buzzer rules stand. And though the contestant that buzzes in could get it wrong, there will also be bonus points given to penmanship. The host will judge how nice the handwriting is and tack some extra points on to the contestant’s score no matter if they get it right or wrong. Also, a side note, the contestants NEVER speak. Ever. Their only form of communication is them correlating non-verbally “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame.”
There will be two different kinds of round 2’s. One version of round 2 will appear on one show, while the other version will be placed in another episode. Round 2-type 1 will show contestants actual men and women in the studio, but only their silhouettes (not audience members, for that will only offend the many hard-to-identify-gendered Americans out there). The contestants will see the man or woman’s silhouette from every possible angle in order to determine their gender. The contestants will then buzz in and write in “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame,” enclose it in an envelope, put it in the mailbox and raise the flag. The same ruling and scoring that occurs in round 1 will apply to round 2-type 1. The contestant will know if they’re right or wrong after the man/woman in question steps out from behind the curtain, revealing themselves. When they are out in the open, “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame” will pop up on the screen in text under their face, prompting them to introduce themselves. For example, they would say “Hello. I’m Samantha Bigbee. I’m from Chicago, Illinois. I’m a woman.” or “Hello. I’m Bob Weathers. I’m from Tallahassee, Florida. I’m a man.”
Round 2-type 2 will entail the contestants guessing gender through a soundbite of some obscure sentence being read. For example, “The dog made a mess of the rug,” being said by either a man or woman. The voice round is a lot more challenging, because it is kind of like in that Seinfeld episode where Jerry and Elaine continually mistake this man’s voice for a woman’s voice, because he sounds a lot like a woman, but is clearly, when visible, a man. The contestants will respond in the appropriate manner, as they have done in the other rounds. The voice that read the obscure sentence aloud will then say either “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame” in order to let the contestants know if they are correct. The same ruling and scoring style that occurs in round 1 and round 2-type 1 will apply to round 2-type 2, points in both versions of round 2 will be double.
If there is a little time left over after round 2, a lightning round will occur. In the lightning round, both contestants participate at the same time. The contestants will be shown many pictures of genders in question in rapid succession. There will be no buzzing in, for in each contestant’s right hand will be a sign saying “Dear Sir” and in their left hand, the sign will say “Dear Madame.” When the picture is shown, the contestant must go with their gut reaction as to what the person looks like and throw a sign up in the air. Both contestants are allowed points simultaneously in this round. When the lightning round is through, the points will be tallied up, and whomever has the highest will then advance to the third and final round.
In the third round, the contestant will be shown three letters, with each letter possibly having been written by a man or a woman. Though, I’m not sure yet if it’s funnier to see these letters typed or actually handwritten by the person, but the letters will entail a generic list of activities or interests, or perhaps even a brief monologue. For example, one would say:
“Dear Sir/Madame,
I like airplanes. I really do. And boy, do I love to fly ‘em. Sometimes I like to eat soft-serve ice cream in a cone while I fly ‘em.”
Or something else that is just as dumb. The contestant will then respond by filling out three different letters of their own saying either “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madame” and put them in three different envelopes labeled “Letter #1,” “Letter #2,” et cetera, corresponding with the correct letters. The contestant will put them in the mailbox on their podium with the flag raised. The host will gather them up from the mailbox and then reveal the names and genders of the people who wrote the letters. If the contestant gets two out of three correct, they win the grand prize. If they get all three right, they get the grand prize plus a bonus cash supplement. If they get one or none correct, their points are added up to see how well they did, and they are given a consolation prize. If the losing contestant is a woman, she gets a gender-typical man’s consolation prize, like a shaving kit from Norelco. If the losing contestant is a man he will get a gender-typical woman’s consolation prize, like free maxi-pads for a year.
All in all, I’m just not sure whether or not the show is funnier with the contestants wearing modern clothes, which would insinuate that they are confused about modern gender identities or if the contestants should wear 18th century British ballroom attire, complete with pale-white makeup, rouge and powdered wigs. The 18th century garb would insinuate that they are ACTUAL aristocracy from 18th century England, they have time traveled from the past and cannot tell the difference between the males and females on the show.
Alright, TV executives. Open up dem wallets and we can start the cash-shoveling over my way!
